As was implied by my last entry, I am in a time of waiting right now. I, like Zechariah, have been silenced and quieted before the Lord for a while. I'm not doing anything BIG for God's kingdom now, but allowing God to grow me . . . to fill me back up with His Grace and His Joy. I'm taking the time to focus on the simple and important things . . . slowing down . . . removing busyness as an idol from my life.
I feel like I am growing wildly in my faith during this time. I look forward to having a quiet time with the Lord each day, and miss it when I don't make time for it. I feel like I am beginning to trust again . . . after much hurt and disappointment . . . after questioning and doubting Him and His Goodness . . . I'm beginning to trust, and see again that this life isn't about me and my desires, but it's simply about Christ shaping me into His likeness a little more each day. It's about surrendering . . . dying to myself. I'm beginning to experience joy . . . but I haven't heard His voice.
I've been praying for God to speak into my life in two different areas: 1. where He wants me to serve Him vocationally next, and 2. for wisdom and discernment in parenting. And, I haven't heard His voice.
Now, sometimes I think I don't hear Him speaking to me because it's simply a matter of waiting a bit longer. I feel that way with my vocation. I believe that He will make it clear to me when and where He wants me to move in this regard. I also feel a general sense of peace regarding being a stay at home mom - which I believe is from Him. For now, I must wait. He'll speak when it's time.
My second request, however is different. As many of you know, one of my children is extraordinarily easy to parent - she's sweet, compliant, loving, kind, respectful - she's every parent's dream. My other daughter, however, is extraordinarily difficult to parent - she can be defiant, obstinate, combative and disrespectful. Because of this, I have been pouring my heart out to the Lord on her behalf - begging for help . . . for wisdom . . . for direction. The Bible says, "seek and you shall find . . . ask and it shall be given", yet I constantly felt I was coming up empty handed.
"God, can't You hear me? Can't you see my heart here? Why am I not hearing from You? Why aren't you helping me?"
Then I came across a scripture . . . I wish I could remember where it was from . . . that said something to the effect that my sin keeps me from hearing God.
Upon reading this, my prayer changed to, "God, what's keeping me from hearing Your voice? Is there a sin in my life that's keeping me from hearing from You on this matter?" Now, I don't have a MAJOR sin in my life . . . I don't struggle with alcoholism or adultery . . . so I didn't really feel like I HAD to pray this prayer . . . I honestly couldn't think of what was keeping me from hearing from Him. I AM a pretty good person, after all (said with sarcasm). But I prayed it anyway, and something happened.
I don't know how to explain it, but God DID reveal a matter of sin in my life.
I realized that I had been holding a grudge against both God, and my difficult daughter. I was angry that after all the years of praying for a child, God had given me THIS one. I was angry that she couldn't be like other kids . . . or be the ideal kid. In my anger, I sinned. I thought terrible thoughts and muttered terrible things under my breath. I was being self-centered, ungrateful and was having a pity party for myself. Lately I haven't treasured her. I've only loved conditionally.
Here I was, thinking I was doing the right thing by asking for His wisdom and His help in parenting her . . . but I was coming up empty-handed and frustrated. But, how could I possibly expect to hear from God, when I've allowed such sin and untruths to permeate my being?
Once God revealed this to me, I did the only thing there was to do. I confessed that sin before him. And ever since, I feel like the floodgates of wisdom and discernment have been opened up to me. He's helping me to see my daughter with His eyes, and He's giving me the patience and wisdom to deal with the difficult moments and days. I'm seeing such a change in my own heart, and little by little, I'm seeing changes in her too.
I know this is kind of a long, rambling post, but I felt like it was too important NOT to share it.
Confession isn't a big enough part of our lives as Christians. Oh, we're great at thanking Him and praising Him, and we're even better at asking Him for stuff . . . but when is the last time you came clean before your Heavenly Father?
"Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting."
Psalm 139:23-24
Before I had my time of true confession before Him, I felt exhausted. Scripture speaks to the same thing:
"When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
For day and night
your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was sapped
as in the heat of summer."
Psalm 32:3-4
Do you ever feel exhausted? Do feel your strength sapped? Are you talking to God, and not hearing back from Him? To often I find myself living in the strength-sapped state of life and not hearing His voice speaking into my life.
That should be a clue that it's time to practice the discipline of confession.
"Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, "I will confess my
transgressions to the LORD" -
and you forgave
the guilt of my sin."
Psalm 32:5
If I am to be truly wise and successful in this life, confession MUST become a regular part of my conversations with God. Understanding my fallenness right-sizes me before the Lord, and reminds me of my desperate need for a Savior! When I'm reminded of that, it's much easier to live a grace-filled life toward others.
3 comments:
Thanks for sharing this- this is beautiful! In many ways, I feel very similar right now. It is the first time in my life I hunger for God's word and enjoy my quiet time with Him each night.
The hardest thing for any parent to deal with is the growing independence of our precioous children. When they are small and completely dependent on us, we feel needed and unconditional love flows from us to the tiny, helpless babe. As that baby grows, he/she takes his cues not only from us, but from those things to which he/she is exposed---they try those "new" things out on mom and dad to see if mom and dad will react and how. Sometimes what a mom might label as bad or stubborn behaviors, might just be a little one testing his/her independence a bit. Most children learn how to react with love from their parents, but they also learn how to react to disappointment, frustration, anger from mom and dad, too. Just after we moved into our Chapel Lane house, I discovered Sarah and Andy busily rubbing red crayon all over his bedroom walls. I was horrified. I had trusted them to play nicely upstairs, while I worked--so I felt betrayed and I was also afraid of Dave's reaction--that I should have been paying closer attention to what Sarah and Andy were doing--lots of awful feelings that moment. I told myself to remain calm, and told each child to go to their own room for a while. When Dave came home, he had them scrub the walls clean. It was only later that we saw the red flower drawn carefully behind one of the curtains--then I realized that Sarah's room had been wall-papered in red wall-paper with white flowers, while Andy's walls were white. They had only been trying to share the decorations so that Andy's room would look more like hers. I felt horrible, but I had learned something--my interpretation of an event most likely will always differ significantly from what a 3, 4 or 8 year old intends. Jesus's message to Love one another as I have loved you, is the best rule to remember when caring for our children.
I'm not sure how I first found your blog, but I am friends with Rachel H. and Lia, so I am guessing it was through one of them. I read this post weeks ago and it keeps spinning around in my mind. I have a son that I often think terrible things about and I have prayed and cried out and begged God to change him, but have not wanted to confess my own sinful attitude and behavior towards this child. Would you mind if I linked to this post in my blog or copied portions of it in a post?
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